DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON...HARRY POTTER

I travel to Kings Cross every day on the way to work at the moment and for the past year or so I had to walk past that stupid bloody platform 9 and 3/4 or whatever the hell it was called. Every day I went past it there was always some daft tourist doing some stupid pose next to a trolley stuck in the wall.

And why is this ridiculous "tourist attraction" there? Because of everyone's favourite wizard, Harry Potter. That's right, a fictional character in a book. What a load of nonsense.

I am not going to lie here, I have not read any of his books and I have only seen half of one of the films so my view on Harry Potter is based mainly on scepticism. However, the hype and hysteria that meets every release is something that makes me sick in the stomach. As far as I am aware, Harry Potter is a wizard or something, so by reckoning, that would make it a fantasy novel. Now, I don't think I am pushing the boundaries of intelligence here, but I reckon that most people that like this sort of thing are proably children aged between the age of about 5 to say 13. i.e. What makes me a laugh about Harry Potter is the fact that an equal amount of adults appear to be into this stuff which for me is slightly disturbing. I see adults reading this stuff on the train pretty much all the time. Could I really see myself queing up to the early hours to buy the latest Roald Dahl book? I don't think so. If a 40 year old said to me that he was into Harry Potter then the first thing I would do is check the latest paedophile listings (or whatever, you know what I mean). Then again, he may have been referring to the porn remake of Harry Twotter.......but thats a different story entirely

I personally was quite delighted when everyone got soaked at the latest film premiere, as a load of twunts had queued for about 10 hours or so just to get a glimpse of some of the actors. If this was Angelina Jolie or Tom Cruise I would understand the hype a little bit better but is it really a good use of time to spend hours queuing to see a few spotty teenagers? Why not just go home and watch an advert for Clearasil instead?

The first film I saw was fairly standard affair, and not particularly interesting or exciting and mediocre at best. The only thing I found funny about it was making an impromptu gag about Harry Potter showing Hermione his magic wand (ahem), but even the novelty of that wore off after a while.



I reckon that most people are only watching this garbage to keep track of Emma Watson's progress, who recently accidentally showed her knick knacks in public (by accident I hasten to add)


The new film is set to again break box office records but its not something that sits comfortably with me and I really don't think that this series should be put anywhere near the top echelons of any worthwhile film chart. Will these films ever be held as close to people's hearts such as the original Star Wars Trilogy? I don't think so. So please, Mr Harry Potter can you please get on your broomstick and fly the f*ck out of here........

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON...KERRY KATONA

As I sat at home over the weekend flicking through the music channels I was perplexed to again see another advert for a program featuring Liverpool's favourite gobsh*te Kerry Katona.

We all know that Britain loves a loser. Tim Henman, Frank Bruno and Jimmy White to name a few. But I have to ask, does anyone genuinely give a toss about Kerry Katona? Let me give a recap of her career so far.

She was part of a girl group in the early 90s who had moderate success and a smattering of UK hits, but nowhere near the dominace of the pop-tastic Girls Aloud. Nor was she even the fittest of the three (Natasha Hamilton wins hands down). Anyway, after getting up the duff with someone from Westlife, she decided to quit the group at the time of their most success and was replaced by the lovely (if ever so over-rated) Jenny Frost. Since then she has starred in Iceland adverts and reality TV showing what a crap life she has. And that's it. Yes, really.

So why have MTV and the media developed such an unhealthy obsession with this woman? She's obnoxious, rude, unfunny, ghastly, fat and has had more false dawns than Michael Owen.

She was declared bankrupt a few months ago and then shortly after she had some liposuction done to give her flat stomach (to the tune of £15,000), but low and behold a few months on she is stuffing herself with more carbohydrates than the average whale consumes in a year and is in danger of bursting out of her skimpy clothing at almost every opportunity.

No wonder this country has so many problems when after reaching the lowest of the low and having no money, some stupid TV exec decides to take advantage and make her even more of a laughing stock with the premise of providing her with some more public exposure of her acting like a t*t.


If this woman had any sort of self respect or decency she would ban any camera from coming within 10 miles from her house whilst she sorts her life out and gets back on the straight and narrow, rather than showing off her shambolic lifestyle to the UK public.

And just a word for the newspapers who are continually publishing stories about her. PLEASE STOP! There are far more interesting things in the world going on than this woman, and if I see one more picture of her gut spilling out then I think that I am going to puke (the well observed of you will notice some irony here in my article but I am doing it to prove a point).

For those who need a reminder of her erratic behaviour, here is the infamous GMTV interview with the drunken monkey.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leaGaiU5SN8&feature=related

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON...CRISTIANO RONALDO

Football has become a very profitable business, and that is the way the game has gone since the turn of the Millennium. What I am confused about, is the record breaking transfer fee for a player who according to many is not even the best player on the planet. A year ago, you could have said Rocket Ronnie was worth that figure, and you would have said it because you knew no one could afford him, however, after a season where he has come nowhere near hitting the heights of the previous year, you would have thought the price tag would have gone down. Not so.

Cristiano Ronaldo should at some point in the next week or so become the most expensive footballer in the history of the sport. The fee involved, is not even rumoured to be, but confirmed as £80million. Lets write that out fully, £80,000,000,000. That’s a lot of zero’s. That’s £20million short of buying Newcastle United. That’s the GDP of some small countries. Ever see those provide water for a village adverts if you pay £5 a month? That figure could provide water for a couple of nations. His battle with ‘Wham’ over who can get the best tan and wear the shortest shorts at Club Tropicana is also laughable.

I’m not here to argue about the morals of spending that sort of money on a footballer, but whether or not he is indeed worth that amount of money in footballing terms. He is undoubtedly a player with immense skill, natural talent, excellence in both feet, strong in the air, faster then a car (!) as well. He played a huge part in Manchester United and their success over the last 3 seasons. However last season the signs of petulance towards the club (not towards other teams/refs/fans) and self indulgent attitude, were there for all to see. In the first 10 minutes of the European Cup final against Barcelona, Cristiano Ronaldo was trying to win the game on his own. He had more shots in the first 10 mins then the rest of the team did put together, it was almost as if he started believing his own hype, and was thinking about the next headline he was going to dominate. It didn’t happen. The headlines after the game were once again regarding his flirtations with Real Madrid. He believed his own hype.

The Portugese winker has his head so far up his own arse at times you have to wonder if in his spare time he is a contortionist. Contrast this with players such as Messi and Kaka, who although arguably more talented keep themselves out the limelight and will always make sure that it is the team who come first. In the Chelsea vs Barca Semi Final, Messi was at the end of GBH from pretty much the whole defence but not once did he moan, he simply got on with his job and played his football. Would the greasy one act in such a professional manner? I doubt it.

Ronaldo's diving antics sure won't be missed when he hits La Liga and over the last couple of seasons I am sure I am not the only person who has been sick of the sight of him rolling around on the floor at the mere hint of an oppostion player breathing on him, let alone tackling him.

Now before Real again spent £56million on Kaka, Zinedine Zidane was the most expensive footballer of all time, and not one person could deny that this man was worth the £40 odd million that was spent on him. Many people say he is just behind Pele and Maradona as the greatest footballer ever to grace the game. The touch was exquisitie, the vision was telescopic, his awareness would put Peter Parker’s Spider Senses to shame, his footballing brain was so quick he knew which pass he would play days before he played them. He was also arrogant, but in a good way, the silent assassin type of arrogance, where you knew if you crossed him, he would make you pay for it, either by scoring or creating a goal, or as Matteratzi found out, giving you a whack. He knew he was good, and he made others around him also look good. Ronaldo didn’t do this. He couldn’t use all his attributes to make other players look good, and that is what I and many others think makes the best of the best the best, and that is why Zinedine Zidane makes a mockery of Ronaldos £80 million pound price tag. Ask yourself this one simple question, is Ronaldo really worth two Zidanes?

VK

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON ......THEO WALCOTT

If I was to ask you to name the best thing about Theo Walcott the chances are that you would probably say that it's his fit girlfriend. Now, I am not sure of her name exactly but I know that she is hot stuff, and no doubt that you have all had that argument as to whether she is legal or not..but that's another story.

Anyway, back to the point in hand which is that Theo Walcott is possibly one of the most hyped players around in the Premiership at the moment. Now, I am going to cut the lad some slack, as he is only around 20 years old, but I don't think I am the only person who is beginning to wonder if he really is going to live up to the £12m price tag which Arsenal splashed out on him a few years ago.

Walcott has been dubbed the "new Henry" in some quarters, which is quite frankly ludicrous. I think the tag came after he scored a typcial Henry sidefoot finish, which the Frenchman executed on many an occasion. To even begin comparing him with the great man is utterly hilarious and hasn't been helped after the little winger bagged a hat trick for England against Croatia a few months back.

Walcott could be described as a poor man's Aaron Lennon, which is no exaggeration at the moment. I honestly don't think I can say that I have ever seen Walcott finish a game he has started and that is not a wind up. After Lennon handed out a lesson to Evra a few weeks ago, everyone thought that Walcott would do even more damage in the Champs League Semi, especially as a booking for Evra would mean him missing the final. Result? Evra having Walcott in his pocket for the whole game and leading Walcott to be substituted (again).

Theo is decent player, don't get me wrong but it seems to me his best position is substitute. His best performances have come against teams on their last legs, or with 10 men, perfect for him to exploit. But can that really justify spending £12m on a player just for 15 minutes a game? That's like paying a porn star just to finish off and letting some other mug do the legwork before him.

As a starter, Walcott's decision making is worse than George W Bush and delivery is poorer than Royal Mail when they are on strike. He was bought with the idea of being a striker but I don't think he has ever actually played in that position, not even in League Cup games. It doesn't look like he has the stature or temparement to become a front man, which might be down to the fact he has yet to reach puberty , perhaps the explanation for those sideburns he likes to draw on his face.

Anyway Theo keep your chin up and be smug at the fact that half the nation have probably spanked their monkey over your missus (her name is Melanie Slade I can now confirm thanks to Google- and she is 18...high five!). But is he fit to lace Mr Va Va Voom's boots? I don't think so

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON .....WEST END CLUBS

So after an extremely stressful week's work, mainly involving strenuous mouse movements, scrolling through hundreds and thousands of interesting websites (can be very exhausting), you decide its time to let your hair down. So you round up your best buddies, and decide to venture towards the bright lights of London's West End, in search of some sort of nirvana of clubbing, which frankly does not exist in our "wonderful" city called London.

You and your crew walk towards the latest hottest club, getting less and less confident with every step. You hatch an elaborate plan to bypass the obnoxious and ridiculous door policy, like some intricate military coup or something out of the last ten minutes of the A-team. You know the lack of females in your group will scupper your plans of getting through that impenetrable barrier, two females, a poncy arrogant looking man usually dressed in skinny jeans and some sort of hat or funky hairstyle, flanked by three quarterbacks who are about as gormless as Rocky after several punches to the head from Ivan Drago. You try splitting up, going in groups of two, bribing the door staff, befriending some random girls in queue, literally anything just to get yourself into this so called paradise.

You get to the door, the sweat dripping off your face. Will the random girls you have mingled and befriended, vouch for you? Predictably they don't, the guestlist girl says "Are you guys all together?" The girls shake their heads, deny you three times like Judas, leaving you stranded at the mercy of the unforgiving door staff. You finally muster up the courage to speak, the girl asks "what list are you on? You tell her, she conveniently says that list doesn't exist, even though you can see it on her clip board. She is literally inventing as many excuses as possible to turn you away. You cant wear trainers, no jeans, no tops with no buttons, no brown shoes, no rings, no jumpers, no bla......, no blue jeans, no Cool Water aftershave, no black hair, no brown eyes, no yellow shirts, no........, the list is endless. You watch enviously as a group of ten guys saunter in, wearing all the things that are apparently banned from the so called club, you wonder why, then you realise it's your favourite football players.

Our oh so friendly door man whispers in the ear of the girl who is delaying your entrance. Beware, the bouncers are no longer the biggest obstacle, its the diminutive doorman or woman who claims to be the club manager, who usually has sort of physical ailment (usually being vertically challenged) which gives them more attitude than the So Solid Crew on speed. He tells you a tale of how it's their busiest night of the year (yawn), and they couldn't possibly let a group of five guys in without any girls, they say you can come in if you buy a table, yes it's true, paying extortionate amounts of money on a table, suddenly makes the club alot less busy and packed and easier to get into, very strange. You think, "RESULT!!!". Its the busiest night of the year, who wouldn't pay 500 quid to party with their favourite football players, a 1000 Megan Fox lookalikes and creme de la creme of London.

You promptly agree, you walk in and guess what? The club isn't as packed as they made out, the girls are not as fit as you thought and your table is not exactly in a prime real estate location. They bring your drinks over with a fanfare of sparklers and the over the top superman theme tune music, you literally feel like a God for a second. Suddenly there are girls begging to crowd around your table, they are like vultures around the last piece of meat in the desert and it's definitely feeding time. You feel like Hugh Hefner for a second but 30 minutes later, all the alcohol is suddenly gone and so are the ladies, you feel used, you peruse the club looking for ladies, drunk out of your mind and now all your friends are suddenly nowhere to be found. You see your princess, she is literally your perfect woman, after ten minutes of exuding your incredible charm, (i.e plying her with vodka tonics at an astonishing ten pound a pop) you exchange numbers and the rest is history.

We all know how this story ends, you wake up the next day 500 quid lighter and with little recollection of what happened, a terrible hangover and that girl you fell in love with, looks nothing like what you first thought, in fact she is suddenly five stones heavier and her Megan Fox appearance has suddenly become Jo Brand. The worst part of it all, is that at the same time and same place the next week, you will do it all over again. It's not fun at all, it's just vastly overpriced and overrated, I thought partying was supposed to be fun and hassle free?

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON .....UGG BOOTS

A few months ago, I was checking out the new Westfield Shopping Centre. I admit that I got lost on quite a few occasions, a combination of both my own incompetence and the brain dead customer services staff. Anyway, having finally figured out a way to navigate my way round the retail minefield, I found myself encountered with a pretty unusual sight. As I looked into the distance I could see a large and winding queue, reminiscent of the days when a new ride would open at Alton Towers.

Now, I am not a massive shopaholic, but I am aware that the time most places would have such a queue is before the doors have opened on say Boxing Day at 6am (or if there is a super sale at Richer Sounds). But I looked at my watch and it was roughly 3pm and it was around October time, so that explanation did not hold true. I know what it is I thought, "it must be some sort of book signing in Waterstones", perhaps it's Michael Palin or such like.

So, I have to say I was pretty shocked when I saw that people were actually queuing for UGG boots, the new apparently essential footwear for winter. Now, first things first, let's get to the queue situation. I had a look in the store (from the outside of course) and the first thing I noticed was that you could pretty much drive a jumbo jet around in there so I have no comprehensible explanation why they had organised a queue (apart from hype of course)

It's a bit like going to a club and seeing a massive queue and thinking "ohh, it must be well busy and good in there, lets queue". However, with UGG, they can't even use this as an excuse as the paying punter can clearly see that there actually is no reason to be lining up in the first place.



I was also further dismayed when I saw a number of men in the queue, and not necessarily with partners. Now, I know we are in the dawn of the "metrosexual male" ( I have often been handed that rather dubious label myself) but I would like to say that a line has to be drawn somewhere. All you guys out there, if you would rather spend £150 on some UGG boots rather than say an Ipod or even a night out a strip club then I think you are having serious issues.

UGG boots are very expensive (around £150 a pair) and to be honest I don't think they look that great on women (unless they have nothing else on) so all in all I am not sure why they have generated so much interest and hype in the public, particularly amongst celebrities


Having conducted some extensive research on the internet (ahem) I found that most people like the boots because they are really "warm". This seems a reasonable explanation I thought, but when I looked at the adverts for them, coupled with the people who actually wear these monstrosities, I have noticed that the women do not actually appear to be wearing that many other clothes in unison with the boots. So this pretty much throws the idea out the window that people are actually purhasing them to make sure they don't catch a cold. Also, as this picture shows, people tend also tend to wear them when it's not that cold at all.....

If you are going to wear boots like this in the middle of summer then who knows what kinds of germs you are breeding down there and to be honest your ridiculously overpriced boots will have a shelf life shorter than TATU (for those who can't remember that's those Russian lesbian popsters from a few years ago)

In my humble opinion this novelty footwear is UGG-ly as F-UGG and any idiot who decides to queue for an hour just to buy a pair can quite frankly F-UGG off....

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON .....SWINE FLU

Achoo! Watch out people, you may somehow catch my germs through your computer and be paralyzed by Swine Flu at any time soon if the hype in the media is too be believed.

Never since the Spice Girls reformed for a reunion tour has there been such media hype over such a minor issue.

I actually went to Mexico a few weeks ago and when I returned my Dad was like "Wow, have you heard about all this Swine Flu stuff? It's all kicking off apparently, you better be careful". That's strange, I thought, nothing seemed to be going on when I was there (although my mind didn't slightly wander to when I pulled a pig one night and its possible repercussions).

The papers screamed "global pandemic..the New Black Death..one in three people will have it by the end of the year". One in three? The same amount of people have cancer for crying out loud, and that really IS deadly.

So what can we expect when we all succumb to the all engulfing Swine Flu? Well, apparently you may have the flu for three days and then recover. Hold on, so I get three days sick off work and I will completely recover. Oh my God, this is the biggest disaster this century! Forget HIV and those thousands starving in Africa, if I get swine flu I will be getting paid not to go to work! How will I possibly cope with this!

We have been getting leaflets through the post from the NHS on how to stop germs spreading. Use a tissue apparently. Oh right, thats interesting because when I normally sneeze I just do it on my hand, and then go up to the nearest person I can find and smear my hand all over their face, all with a smile of course. Other advice includes "Do not go to Mexico and mix with large groups of Mexican people". Honestly, who on earth is getting paid to write such ridiculous articles in the paper?

The other day on the news they had a hilarious news item where they were filming a journey of a swine flu vaccine from one part of the country to another. Absolutely ludicrous. Who cares about whats going on in Zimbabwe when we can follow this excitement 24/7 instead?

If we were to believe what we read in the paper, the body count in the UK could be reaching Rambo style proportions very soon. A quick look at the death count in the UK so far reads a massive....ZERO. So in a few months, if the media is to be believed, we can all look forward to the whole country going into meltdown with the devastation of the Black Plague being brought back into the 21st Century

Pigs might fly................

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON......SUSAN BOYLE

Susan Boyle or "SUBO" has literally become a global phenomenon, famed for having the face of an ogre but the voice of an angel(yawn). Her first performance on BGT touched the hearts of many, over 100 million people including the likes of Demi Moore and Ashton Kuscher. It's a story that literally makes my skin crawl and my blood boil. It's situations like this where Damning The Ballyhoo is probably the first line of defence against the ridiculous and uncontrollable runaway train that is "HYPE".

To be honest if Shrek said he had a great voice, I'd probably bet against it, so I can see why the public were so shocked by it, because I think Shrek is probably better looking than she is. It saddens me that a person's talent is suddenly amplified 100 fold simply because they don't look the way you expect them to look, throw in the fact that the incredibly intelligent British public simply love to add fuel to the reality show fire, and you have an extraordinary recipe for disaster. A runaway monolith of ridiculousness bound to end in a fiery death(maybe I'm exaggerating, but you get the idea). If you watch her first performance and you couple in Amanda Holden's ridiculous forced facial expressions like a 1970s german porn star, Piers Morgans pure arrogance and patronising nature, Simon Cowell's let me say its very good so I can make loads of money and those 2 morons Ant and Dec and have you have possibly the greatest concoction of overblown hype since the Spice Girls reformed.

Lily Allen says she is overrated, so when you have the queen of the overrated, calling you overrated, you know something is up. Her hype become so overblown that she was invited to sing for Obama, sing on Oprah and all around the world, even before she had even won the talent contest she was competing in, had anyone opened their eyes to realise that were other acts in the show?

Ms Doubtfire Looks + Overweight + Common + A decent voice = Superstardom

Now our beloved Subo has been sent to the Priory because of exhaustion and stress after being defeated by the supremely impressive Diversity in the BGT final. Do I feel sorry for her? Yes I do, because we all know her voice was no shock, ITV were fully aware of her talent and her mental problems, and fully exploited her.

The sad thing is, there is a path that unwarranted superstardom takes you, which ultimately ends in tears. SUBO's rise to fame seems to mirror many other over hyped, less than deserving, fame seeking wannabes, including our own Jade Goody(R.I.P), except her exceptional talent involved being incredibly annoying.

Steps on to stage to perform, everyone laughs and mocks our dear SUBO = Goody’s time in the house, she was a complete laughing stock.

She sings everyone loves her, cue hoopla, gift from god, national treasure, etc...... = Jade leaves the house and becomes a celeb fave, for some odd reason.

She tours the world = Jade’s TV shows, perfume etc

She comes back and the backlash starts, she’s moody, people begin to realise its all a bit unnecessary. = Jade’s racist episode in BB House.

She sings again in the final = Jade’s sob story headlines in HEAT about racist incident

She loses, great story suddenly turns very sour. = Jade gets cancer

She goes to the priory, people start to feel sorry for her again, has her chance to escape her own

hype = Jade receives redemption through cancer.

As awful as it sounds, the English public loves a pathetic working class loser turned good, and ITV were fully aware of this. Why else would they throw a knowingly mentally disabled woman with a decent voice into the spotlight knowing full well she wouldn't be able to cope when the world focused in.

Here is the performance that made her and broke her all at the same time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON....BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT

So another season of Britain's Got Talent has drawn to a close with a bit of a sting in the tail. I daresay that I am not the only poor sucker who lost a wedge of cash betting on that Ann Widdecombe lookalike to win by a landslide. Anyway, I will come back to her another time, my main gripe is with the show in general.

I don't watch the show that much so I may not be in the best position to judge (as it were) but I will start with the judges themselves. Simon Cowell, as much as he splits opinion, is a bit of a legend in my eyes, so he will escape my tirade. He has taken some of Britain's worst talents and made millions out of them and so for that he commands my total and utter respect. Examples include Robson and Jerome and those utter w*nkers Westlife. I have to admit it is pretty hilarious to see Simon's Cowell's eyes positively light up with pound signs everytime he sees a worthwhile talent

However, Amanda Holden? How on earth has she managed to get on that panel? Let's be honest, she is an attractive woman but what other "talent" does she really possess? All women on these panels always seem so bland and pointless, always sitting on the fence and bursting into tears at the slightest hint of someone battling against the odds or being able to sing more than one note in tune. Please, pass me the sick bucket. The only thing Amanda Holden is really famous for is for being the source of one of the most debated pub questions of all time...how did Les Dennis manage to be on top of that for the best part of 10 years? Perhaps we should ask those people who take part in those Family Fortunes surveys. In this case, I think the most common response would be "Our survey said....MONEY!". Let's get Amanda off and please have someone more credible.

Then we have Piers Morgan, a guy who monumentally cocked up being Editor of the Mirror in pretty comical and spectacular fashion (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/3716151.stm) only to then land some stupid TV show where he interviewed people who also cocked up their careers and also landed on their feet (I still to this day am not sure if the irony was actually deliberate). How can this guy be in a position to judge any sort of talent and have the cheek to slag anyone off? What a joke.

The other thing that annoys me with the show is the repetitive, boring hype we hear every week:

"They better step up their game or else they are on their way out" accompanied by stupid close ups and a crescendo of Mozart (or something like that). Once every now and then is ok, but it gets pretty boring when you see it every week, lets be honest here. The format is more tiresome than watching two bald men fight over a comb.


Then we have pointless Geordies Ant 'n' Dec (where does 'n' reside I wonder?) who possibly look as they could mould into eachother at any time forming one super Geordie. Are these guys seriously not that bothered that they wear the same clothes as each other every week? I am personally horrified if I walk into a nightclub and find that someone is wearing the same item of clothing, let alone the whole caboodle. And these guys probably get dressed right next to each other! What a pair of idiots. Go back to Byker Grove please lads and give Jeff and Spuggie a helping hand

Let's be honest guys, if this show really is the best of British, then I think we really are all in trouble

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON......DAMIEN HIRST

This man really is a genius, he has swindled the art aficionados out of literally millions and millions of pounds by simply tarting up dead animals and calling it "art", Unbelievable. How much would you pay for a mouse in a glass, preserved in formaldehyde? Probably nothing. But if I gave it a wishy washy up it's own arse name like "the lost soul of the dying breed", would it suddenly become worth millions and millions? That's exactly what Mr Hirst has done, which has made him the richest artist in the world.

To add even more to his genius, he isn't even responsible for a lot of the work he actually does, he is the creative direction behind a machine that probably involves quite a few budding artists wishing to prove their worth. He has a team of minions who do his dirty work and create those wonderful and "inspiring" moments of "genius". But picture this, if I asked another man to sleep with my girlfriend and directed him around her private parts, if he made her orgasm, who would be the true genius, him or me?

In his own words.

Hirst said that he only painted five spot paintings himself because, "I couldn't be fucking arsed doing it"; he described his efforts as "sh*te"—"They're sh*t compared to ... the best person who ever painted spots for me was Rachel. She's brilliant. Absolutely f*cking brilliant. The best spot painting you can have by me is one painted by Rachel." He also describes another painting assistant who was leaving and asked for one of the paintings. Hirst told her to, "'make one of your own.' And she said, 'No, I want one of yours.' But the only difference, between one painted by her and one of mine, is the money.'"^[16] By February 1999, two assistants had painted 300 spot paintings.^[36]

Wow, a bunch of colourful dots on a canvas, how incredibly creative and each one is probably worth in the region of 200,000 pounds.

"Hirst sees the real creative act as being the conception, not the execution, and that, as the progenitor of the idea, he is therefore the artist"

I guess there is an argument to be had that he probably provides alot of the inspiration and creative direction, but the man has a team of 100 artists doing his work and I don't think it's very creative or groundbreaking at all. I'm not claiming to be an expert in the art world, but i cannot see the justification for selling a preserved animal for millions and millions of pounds, or maybe I'm being unreasonable and close minded. Think about the 1000s of incredibly talented young artists with a lot more creativity, who are constantly overlooked and probably have to apply for a job under Mr Hirst, thus maintaining the machine which had ultimately stifled their talent in the first place. To be fair, if Icould sell dead animals, random dots and splashes of paint to the gullible for millions and millions, then I probably would.

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON...THE CREDIT CRUNCH

Now don't get me wrong, I have all the sympathy in the world with people who have lost their jobs as a result of the current recession. Or those people who have see their pension funds or investments decimated by the drop in the markets. I even have some sympathy for those people who need a small cash injection to keep their house but can't get the bank to lend them money.

However, what I am absolutely do not have time for are the younger generation who are just jumping on the media bandwagon. I have lost count of the number of times that someone my age has complained about not having money, or moaning about the current tough times. Last year I was invited to a "Credit Crunch" party which involved sitting around someone's house because apparently everyone was so hard hit by the financial crisis we couldn't afford to buy a few beers in a pub somewhere.

Let's be honest people, at our age, you are unlikely to be facing a credit crunch. You're probably renting or god forbid, still living at home, so living costs haven't changed terribly. Even if you have a mortgage, interest rates are at a ridiculously, historically, low level so that shouldn't be affecting you too much. Inflation has now dropped in the negative on one particular index, and most shops can't discount their tat quick enough to get us buying. Going out in London is expensive, I give you that, but with the number of gypo 2 for 1 vouchers going around, it's almost impossible to pay full price for a meal these days* (as a side note, am I the only one who feels like a massive cheapskate when I flash my tattered voucher print out to a waiter?)

Basically, the credit crunch isn't why you have no money to spend. You have no money to spend because you keep spunking it on sh*t you don't need. If you still have a job and show some God-damn restraint then life is no different. Unless you had thousands of pounds worth of life savings in an Icelandic joke of a bank or in a unit linked investment fund (that means stock market for you Sun readers out there), then your future is probably looking no worse than it was a couple of years ago when you also had no money.

In short....build a bridge get over it. Leave the whinging to the poor buggers who have no job

*the price of beer however, is a different matter!

LH

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON......JORDAN AND PETER ANDRE

TWO MASSIVE TITS. And no, I am not talking about Jordan's funbags, I am talking about Jordan and Pete Andre.

Why there is such media hype around these guys I am not entirely sure. Peter Andre is a talentless, brain dead muscle head. Jordan has massive breasts. And that's about it really, although she seems to have a strange fascination reminding the public that she has a stage name of "Jordan" and her real name of Katie Price. Give over darling, whatever your name is you have been splashing your naked body over magazines for years and years, do you really think that people care what your actual name is?

Rumours are that the impending split may even be down to an extravagant publicity stunt. Peter Andre has a sh*te new album of ballads coming out and apparently Jordan is penning her 4th autobiography. Yep, you read that right, her FOURTH autobiography. How absurd is that? "Oh look at me, I have had such an exciting and interesting life time that there I can write four books about my life because I couldn't possibly squeeze it all into one".

As for Andre, the guy had maybe two or three hits at best in the early 90s and he is somehow still riding of the success of that and that Jungle programme with Ant and Dec

Hopefully, when North Korea launch their nuclear bomb, it will land somewhere near this pair's homes. If there is any doubt as to the fact that these two should be wiped off the face of the earth, I would like to remind you all of this pop abomination when the gruesome twosome thought it would be a good idea to try and record a song together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waLhLr60P1s&feature=related

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON..... M.NIGHT SHYAMALAN

Please NOTE: There are spoilers here.

Not sure if there is actually much hoopla about this man anymore, especially after committing a series of heinous crimes against cinema in recent years. I'd like to think the general public, the film industry and anyone with an ounce of sense would simply confiscate this man's filming equipment, but alas no joy. First things first, that's clearly not his real name, its a blatant attempt to manipulate the public into believing that this man is of spiritual descendant, "ooooh look at me, I'll add the word 'Night' to my name to make my films seems more eery, atmospheric, supernatural and climactic". Spare me.

Has the word "one trick pony" been so apt since Heather showed us her special skill on that special website that hosts special videos that I won't mention (Google is your friend). Make a movie with an eery, supernatural film, drag it on as long as possible and end with an incredible eye opening "twist" each time making the twist more and more ridiculous and totally retarded. Take this simple formula and repeat over and over until you totally destroy any credibility you have, whilst disappearing totally up your own arse. Want proof? Well, when questioned as to whether his movies followed a similar pattern he says...

"A common misperception of me is ... A:That all my movies have twist endings, or that they're all scary. All my movies are spiritual and all have an emotional perspective."

Spiritual and emotional perspective? Right.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not totally unaware of the evident talent this man clearly has. The Sixth Sense was clearly a great piece of film making, and will go down in history as giving us a new perspective and spin on the traditional "twist" ending. Unbreakable was also an impressive insight into the mind of the modern day superhero produced in a urban setting which we could all strangely relate to. But after watching Signs I began to get disillusioned with his work. He went from trying to convince us that water could kill aliens, the same aliens who were smart enough to breach the earths atmosphere, somehow were not aware that the most abundant substance on the earth would cause them harm. He then led us to believe that a community could believe they were living in an an isolated 19th century village, when in fact they were in a sectioned off area living in the year 2000. And finally the piece de resistance, an abomination of a film called "The Happening" where people are mysteriously committing suicide much to the distress of the town. The inevitable, simply ridiculous, mind boggling, incredibly "inventive" twist is that its actually the trees causing all the problems. Yes, the good old trees, the dangerous, aggressive, confrontational and incredibly scary trees. The trees that are the scourge of men across the world. Awful. The film is best summed up by these lines...

"M. Night Shyamalan's latest movie, The Happening, is not merely bad. It is an astonishment, so idiotic in conception and inept in execution that, after seeing it, one almost wonders whether it was real or imagined. It's the kind of movie you want to laugh about with friends, swapping favorite moments of inanity: "Do you remember the part when Mark Wahlberg ... ?" "God, yes. And what about that scene where the wind ... ?"

As for the abomination that is "Lady in the Water " do not even get me started. I think that "Dead in the Water" might be a more suitable title for his next film, which should be based on his future career prospects at the moment in all honesty.

The absolute cheek of the man, but maybe I should give him credit, he somehow gets these scripts past the studio executives, now that would be a twist I wasn't expecting. Pure genius.

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON..... KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Consistently lauded as one of the most sexy and beautiful women in the world, I constantly wonder what runs through the minds of the young adolescent man these days. Yes, she may have a pretty face, but for me the buck ends there. She reminds me of a Chuppa Chups lollipop. Sweet, pretty and disproportionate on the top, but ultimately when that's gone, all we are left with is a thin white stick. She seems to appear in FHM and other publications world's sexiest women lists. But if the majority of men around the world would prefer a woman to have a figure of a 10 year old boy, then I seriously have to wonder what social circles they run in, maybe they like to have the odd beer with Gary Glitter, who knows. Have a look for yourselves guys.......

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON......VIRGIN TRAINS ADVERTS

There are a few funny adverts knocking around at the moment, my favourite of which is the recent set of Pot Noodle Ads. However, there is also a lot of sh*te knocking around, typified at best by the new Virgin Train advert (link at the bottom of this article)

The advert is about a girl who is on a train journey to meet her boyfriend/f*ck buddy/bit on the side. The girl has the best train journey of her life, passing wonderful sights, receiving top notch service and practically reaching an orgasmic climax by the time she gets of the train.

How many times are the trains actually like this? First of all ,the fact the trains are on actually on time is pretty hilarious, followed by the fact she starts off in standard class yet when she gets off she has somehow managed to make it into first class. Utterly ludricrous. When I use Virgin trains I cannot even get a seat, yet when I do, some fat fecker will inevitably manage to sit their large behind next to me and insist on being the most annoying passenger in the world.

The sights you see are normally just big fields and ugly buildings, certainly not the kind to get your heart pounding and in the mood for love as they show on the new advert. Train fares are at an all time high at the moment with possibly one of the worst services in the world, so anyone who is dumb enough to be duped by this latest publicity stunt quite simply needs to be shot. Along with Richard Branson.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XX173CZcNPc

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON....MARK RONSON

I was reading a copy of GQ the other day, sat on the toilet in my flat, thumbing through the top 50 best dressed men in the UK. Being the loser that I am, I went through all the way from number 50 to number 1 in the hope of creating a small amount of excitement and maybe, just maybe inheriting an ounce of style from these so called fashion gurus. Anyway, as I was making my way through I was somewhat surprised to see some of the names in the lower echelons, names such as Clive Owen, Daniel Craig, Tom Ford and even “Goldenballs “himself, David Beckham. As these names rolled past I realised that the guy at the number 1 spot must be a not so obvious name, perhaps a model or designer I had never heard of. So imagine my shock when I turned the page to find that none other than Mark Ronson had somewhat inexplicably made it to the top of the list. And who had endorsed his position at the top of the chart? None other than Matthew Horne, half of desperately unfunny duo Horne and Corden (but that can wait for another time). I was so outraged, I used the page to wipe my arse.

Mark Ronson rated as the best dressed man in the UK? I have 2 words for you. F*CK OFF. I have seen better dressed guys walking down my local street and that includes the beggars who inhabit the area by my local pub. Oooooh, look at the why i inexplicably throw on some vintage old tattered garments from portobello market, in a way that no one has ever done before, what an innovator. The hype surrounding this guy is just ridiculous. A few years ago, his albums were bombing and most people would have classed him as an American, no Brit would have ever heard of him. An album of covers later and he is now one of the most sought after names in the music industry and people think he is as British as Pimms and Lemonade.

I am not going to lie; I bought the album Version out of intrigue and thought it was a decent listen. But the publicity it generated was outrageous. Most of the tunes he remixed sounded almost identical to the original and he wasn’t doing anything radical here. The song “Apply Some Pressure” even had the same guy of Maximo Park singing the vocals. If I went to Jay Z “I am going to remix Big Pimpin, except put a drum and beat sound to it”, would that really be that hard? Doesn’t take a huge amount of talent really does it? I could do that using VirtualDJ for Christ’s sake.

Every time I open the London Paper I see this guy’s smug face as he leaves some fancy West End Club or Restaurant. I COULD NOT GIVE A SH*T. Please stop wasting your column space with this man, because he really is not that important.

Now, as one final footnote, I would like you all to go away and see if you you can name more than one original Mark Ronson song (and by the way...Ooooh Wee does not count). I rest my case.

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON...... THE LORD OF THE RINGS

"The Lord of the Rings film trilogy consists of three live action fantasy epic films: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Two Towers (2002) and The Return of the King (2003)." Yes 3 epically long, visually exceptional movies that ultimately consists of 9 hours of intensive walking and the intolerable elijah wood. Does that really deserve to pick up 17 oscars and be lauded as one of the greatest movie trilogies of all time. Let me ask you this, how many of you have rewatched any of these 3 movies? Answers on a postcard.

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON.......THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON

A few weeks ago, I had to do what all guys do at some point and take one for the team. A trip with a lady to the cinema to see a film of her choice, whether I liked it or not. Let’s face it, we have all been there (I know one guy who had to go and see Hairspray a while back. Poor bastard). However, this time, I had heard a lot about Benjamin Button, I had seen all the rave reviews and noted that it had been put forward for a whole host of Oscar nominations. This won’t be so bad I thought, perhaps I might actually get some enjoyment out of it and see one of the finest pieces of cinema this year. I DON’T THINK SO. What followed was one of the most horrific times of my life, a mind-numbing three hours of dross which I will never get back. The premise of the story seemed quite interesting, a man who was born old and aged backwards, thus turning into a little boy by the end of the film, intriguing and just plain wrong all at the same time. Plenty of scope you would think to touch upon of life’s most challenging issues. WRONG. Instead we were not faced with a classic Forrest Gump tale but with an old guy, less catchphrases and definitely less humour. The typical girl from the city falls in love with hometown guy, doesn’t realise she loves him etc moves on, then changes her mind(oooooh how exciting)....blah blah blah. Possibly more predictable than a porn movie featuring a Dutch plumber and a dodgy washing machine.

I think Brad Pitt is a top actor, but I am simply not sure why he signed up for this garbage, when there must have been plenty of other scripts on offer. I fell asleep about 4-5 times during the film (unknown to the girl at the time). I recommend that any guy who goes to watch this movie arranges to take a conveniently timed phone call and then secretly nip off for a couple of cheeky pints at the local. Come back at the end of the film, cos you will have figured out what would have happened anyway. I felt absolutely nothing for the characters in the film, the plot was nonexistent, the schmaltz level was borderline sickening and the persistent voiceovers were more annoying than going back to a girl’s house and realising that you are out of condoms, and she is hornier than a Gary Glitter in a Thai kindergarten school. Benjamin Button might have aged backwards, but having watched this absolute nonsense, I felt as though I had aged 50 years. Now wouldn’t that have been curious or possibly not. Thank you very much Mr Fincher, who would have thought you were the man responsible for Fight Club and Se7en.

(Note – I also never saw that girl again, so I didn’t even get my reward for taking one for the team. To sum up in a one word review...... AVOID)