DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON...THE CREDIT CRUNCH

Now don't get me wrong, I have all the sympathy in the world with people who have lost their jobs as a result of the current recession. Or those people who have see their pension funds or investments decimated by the drop in the markets. I even have some sympathy for those people who need a small cash injection to keep their house but can't get the bank to lend them money.

However, what I am absolutely do not have time for are the younger generation who are just jumping on the media bandwagon. I have lost count of the number of times that someone my age has complained about not having money, or moaning about the current tough times. Last year I was invited to a "Credit Crunch" party which involved sitting around someone's house because apparently everyone was so hard hit by the financial crisis we couldn't afford to buy a few beers in a pub somewhere.

Let's be honest people, at our age, you are unlikely to be facing a credit crunch. You're probably renting or god forbid, still living at home, so living costs haven't changed terribly. Even if you have a mortgage, interest rates are at a ridiculously, historically, low level so that shouldn't be affecting you too much. Inflation has now dropped in the negative on one particular index, and most shops can't discount their tat quick enough to get us buying. Going out in London is expensive, I give you that, but with the number of gypo 2 for 1 vouchers going around, it's almost impossible to pay full price for a meal these days* (as a side note, am I the only one who feels like a massive cheapskate when I flash my tattered voucher print out to a waiter?)

Basically, the credit crunch isn't why you have no money to spend. You have no money to spend because you keep spunking it on sh*t you don't need. If you still have a job and show some God-damn restraint then life is no different. Unless you had thousands of pounds worth of life savings in an Icelandic joke of a bank or in a unit linked investment fund (that means stock market for you Sun readers out there), then your future is probably looking no worse than it was a couple of years ago when you also had no money.

In short....build a bridge get over it. Leave the whinging to the poor buggers who have no job

*the price of beer however, is a different matter!

LH

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON......JORDAN AND PETER ANDRE

TWO MASSIVE TITS. And no, I am not talking about Jordan's funbags, I am talking about Jordan and Pete Andre.

Why there is such media hype around these guys I am not entirely sure. Peter Andre is a talentless, brain dead muscle head. Jordan has massive breasts. And that's about it really, although she seems to have a strange fascination reminding the public that she has a stage name of "Jordan" and her real name of Katie Price. Give over darling, whatever your name is you have been splashing your naked body over magazines for years and years, do you really think that people care what your actual name is?

Rumours are that the impending split may even be down to an extravagant publicity stunt. Peter Andre has a sh*te new album of ballads coming out and apparently Jordan is penning her 4th autobiography. Yep, you read that right, her FOURTH autobiography. How absurd is that? "Oh look at me, I have had such an exciting and interesting life time that there I can write four books about my life because I couldn't possibly squeeze it all into one".

As for Andre, the guy had maybe two or three hits at best in the early 90s and he is somehow still riding of the success of that and that Jungle programme with Ant and Dec

Hopefully, when North Korea launch their nuclear bomb, it will land somewhere near this pair's homes. If there is any doubt as to the fact that these two should be wiped off the face of the earth, I would like to remind you all of this pop abomination when the gruesome twosome thought it would be a good idea to try and record a song together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waLhLr60P1s&feature=related

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON..... M.NIGHT SHYAMALAN

Please NOTE: There are spoilers here.

Not sure if there is actually much hoopla about this man anymore, especially after committing a series of heinous crimes against cinema in recent years. I'd like to think the general public, the film industry and anyone with an ounce of sense would simply confiscate this man's filming equipment, but alas no joy. First things first, that's clearly not his real name, its a blatant attempt to manipulate the public into believing that this man is of spiritual descendant, "ooooh look at me, I'll add the word 'Night' to my name to make my films seems more eery, atmospheric, supernatural and climactic". Spare me.

Has the word "one trick pony" been so apt since Heather showed us her special skill on that special website that hosts special videos that I won't mention (Google is your friend). Make a movie with an eery, supernatural film, drag it on as long as possible and end with an incredible eye opening "twist" each time making the twist more and more ridiculous and totally retarded. Take this simple formula and repeat over and over until you totally destroy any credibility you have, whilst disappearing totally up your own arse. Want proof? Well, when questioned as to whether his movies followed a similar pattern he says...

"A common misperception of me is ... A:That all my movies have twist endings, or that they're all scary. All my movies are spiritual and all have an emotional perspective."

Spiritual and emotional perspective? Right.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not totally unaware of the evident talent this man clearly has. The Sixth Sense was clearly a great piece of film making, and will go down in history as giving us a new perspective and spin on the traditional "twist" ending. Unbreakable was also an impressive insight into the mind of the modern day superhero produced in a urban setting which we could all strangely relate to. But after watching Signs I began to get disillusioned with his work. He went from trying to convince us that water could kill aliens, the same aliens who were smart enough to breach the earths atmosphere, somehow were not aware that the most abundant substance on the earth would cause them harm. He then led us to believe that a community could believe they were living in an an isolated 19th century village, when in fact they were in a sectioned off area living in the year 2000. And finally the piece de resistance, an abomination of a film called "The Happening" where people are mysteriously committing suicide much to the distress of the town. The inevitable, simply ridiculous, mind boggling, incredibly "inventive" twist is that its actually the trees causing all the problems. Yes, the good old trees, the dangerous, aggressive, confrontational and incredibly scary trees. The trees that are the scourge of men across the world. Awful. The film is best summed up by these lines...

"M. Night Shyamalan's latest movie, The Happening, is not merely bad. It is an astonishment, so idiotic in conception and inept in execution that, after seeing it, one almost wonders whether it was real or imagined. It's the kind of movie you want to laugh about with friends, swapping favorite moments of inanity: "Do you remember the part when Mark Wahlberg ... ?" "God, yes. And what about that scene where the wind ... ?"

As for the abomination that is "Lady in the Water " do not even get me started. I think that "Dead in the Water" might be a more suitable title for his next film, which should be based on his future career prospects at the moment in all honesty.

The absolute cheek of the man, but maybe I should give him credit, he somehow gets these scripts past the studio executives, now that would be a twist I wasn't expecting. Pure genius.

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON..... KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Consistently lauded as one of the most sexy and beautiful women in the world, I constantly wonder what runs through the minds of the young adolescent man these days. Yes, she may have a pretty face, but for me the buck ends there. She reminds me of a Chuppa Chups lollipop. Sweet, pretty and disproportionate on the top, but ultimately when that's gone, all we are left with is a thin white stick. She seems to appear in FHM and other publications world's sexiest women lists. But if the majority of men around the world would prefer a woman to have a figure of a 10 year old boy, then I seriously have to wonder what social circles they run in, maybe they like to have the odd beer with Gary Glitter, who knows. Have a look for yourselves guys.......

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON......VIRGIN TRAINS ADVERTS

There are a few funny adverts knocking around at the moment, my favourite of which is the recent set of Pot Noodle Ads. However, there is also a lot of sh*te knocking around, typified at best by the new Virgin Train advert (link at the bottom of this article)

The advert is about a girl who is on a train journey to meet her boyfriend/f*ck buddy/bit on the side. The girl has the best train journey of her life, passing wonderful sights, receiving top notch service and practically reaching an orgasmic climax by the time she gets of the train.

How many times are the trains actually like this? First of all ,the fact the trains are on actually on time is pretty hilarious, followed by the fact she starts off in standard class yet when she gets off she has somehow managed to make it into first class. Utterly ludricrous. When I use Virgin trains I cannot even get a seat, yet when I do, some fat fecker will inevitably manage to sit their large behind next to me and insist on being the most annoying passenger in the world.

The sights you see are normally just big fields and ugly buildings, certainly not the kind to get your heart pounding and in the mood for love as they show on the new advert. Train fares are at an all time high at the moment with possibly one of the worst services in the world, so anyone who is dumb enough to be duped by this latest publicity stunt quite simply needs to be shot. Along with Richard Branson.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XX173CZcNPc