DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON...HARRY POTTER

I travel to Kings Cross every day on the way to work at the moment and for the past year or so I had to walk past that stupid bloody platform 9 and 3/4 or whatever the hell it was called. Every day I went past it there was always some daft tourist doing some stupid pose next to a trolley stuck in the wall.

And why is this ridiculous "tourist attraction" there? Because of everyone's favourite wizard, Harry Potter. That's right, a fictional character in a book. What a load of nonsense.

I am not going to lie here, I have not read any of his books and I have only seen half of one of the films so my view on Harry Potter is based mainly on scepticism. However, the hype and hysteria that meets every release is something that makes me sick in the stomach. As far as I am aware, Harry Potter is a wizard or something, so by reckoning, that would make it a fantasy novel. Now, I don't think I am pushing the boundaries of intelligence here, but I reckon that most people that like this sort of thing are proably children aged between the age of about 5 to say 13. i.e. What makes me a laugh about Harry Potter is the fact that an equal amount of adults appear to be into this stuff which for me is slightly disturbing. I see adults reading this stuff on the train pretty much all the time. Could I really see myself queing up to the early hours to buy the latest Roald Dahl book? I don't think so. If a 40 year old said to me that he was into Harry Potter then the first thing I would do is check the latest paedophile listings (or whatever, you know what I mean). Then again, he may have been referring to the porn remake of Harry Twotter.......but thats a different story entirely

I personally was quite delighted when everyone got soaked at the latest film premiere, as a load of twunts had queued for about 10 hours or so just to get a glimpse of some of the actors. If this was Angelina Jolie or Tom Cruise I would understand the hype a little bit better but is it really a good use of time to spend hours queuing to see a few spotty teenagers? Why not just go home and watch an advert for Clearasil instead?

The first film I saw was fairly standard affair, and not particularly interesting or exciting and mediocre at best. The only thing I found funny about it was making an impromptu gag about Harry Potter showing Hermione his magic wand (ahem), but even the novelty of that wore off after a while.



I reckon that most people are only watching this garbage to keep track of Emma Watson's progress, who recently accidentally showed her knick knacks in public (by accident I hasten to add)


The new film is set to again break box office records but its not something that sits comfortably with me and I really don't think that this series should be put anywhere near the top echelons of any worthwhile film chart. Will these films ever be held as close to people's hearts such as the original Star Wars Trilogy? I don't think so. So please, Mr Harry Potter can you please get on your broomstick and fly the f*ck out of here........

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON...KERRY KATONA

As I sat at home over the weekend flicking through the music channels I was perplexed to again see another advert for a program featuring Liverpool's favourite gobsh*te Kerry Katona.

We all know that Britain loves a loser. Tim Henman, Frank Bruno and Jimmy White to name a few. But I have to ask, does anyone genuinely give a toss about Kerry Katona? Let me give a recap of her career so far.

She was part of a girl group in the early 90s who had moderate success and a smattering of UK hits, but nowhere near the dominace of the pop-tastic Girls Aloud. Nor was she even the fittest of the three (Natasha Hamilton wins hands down). Anyway, after getting up the duff with someone from Westlife, she decided to quit the group at the time of their most success and was replaced by the lovely (if ever so over-rated) Jenny Frost. Since then she has starred in Iceland adverts and reality TV showing what a crap life she has. And that's it. Yes, really.

So why have MTV and the media developed such an unhealthy obsession with this woman? She's obnoxious, rude, unfunny, ghastly, fat and has had more false dawns than Michael Owen.

She was declared bankrupt a few months ago and then shortly after she had some liposuction done to give her flat stomach (to the tune of £15,000), but low and behold a few months on she is stuffing herself with more carbohydrates than the average whale consumes in a year and is in danger of bursting out of her skimpy clothing at almost every opportunity.

No wonder this country has so many problems when after reaching the lowest of the low and having no money, some stupid TV exec decides to take advantage and make her even more of a laughing stock with the premise of providing her with some more public exposure of her acting like a t*t.


If this woman had any sort of self respect or decency she would ban any camera from coming within 10 miles from her house whilst she sorts her life out and gets back on the straight and narrow, rather than showing off her shambolic lifestyle to the UK public.

And just a word for the newspapers who are continually publishing stories about her. PLEASE STOP! There are far more interesting things in the world going on than this woman, and if I see one more picture of her gut spilling out then I think that I am going to puke (the well observed of you will notice some irony here in my article but I am doing it to prove a point).

For those who need a reminder of her erratic behaviour, here is the infamous GMTV interview with the drunken monkey.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leaGaiU5SN8&feature=related

DAMNING THE BALLYHOO ON...CRISTIANO RONALDO

Football has become a very profitable business, and that is the way the game has gone since the turn of the Millennium. What I am confused about, is the record breaking transfer fee for a player who according to many is not even the best player on the planet. A year ago, you could have said Rocket Ronnie was worth that figure, and you would have said it because you knew no one could afford him, however, after a season where he has come nowhere near hitting the heights of the previous year, you would have thought the price tag would have gone down. Not so.

Cristiano Ronaldo should at some point in the next week or so become the most expensive footballer in the history of the sport. The fee involved, is not even rumoured to be, but confirmed as £80million. Lets write that out fully, £80,000,000,000. That’s a lot of zero’s. That’s £20million short of buying Newcastle United. That’s the GDP of some small countries. Ever see those provide water for a village adverts if you pay £5 a month? That figure could provide water for a couple of nations. His battle with ‘Wham’ over who can get the best tan and wear the shortest shorts at Club Tropicana is also laughable.

I’m not here to argue about the morals of spending that sort of money on a footballer, but whether or not he is indeed worth that amount of money in footballing terms. He is undoubtedly a player with immense skill, natural talent, excellence in both feet, strong in the air, faster then a car (!) as well. He played a huge part in Manchester United and their success over the last 3 seasons. However last season the signs of petulance towards the club (not towards other teams/refs/fans) and self indulgent attitude, were there for all to see. In the first 10 minutes of the European Cup final against Barcelona, Cristiano Ronaldo was trying to win the game on his own. He had more shots in the first 10 mins then the rest of the team did put together, it was almost as if he started believing his own hype, and was thinking about the next headline he was going to dominate. It didn’t happen. The headlines after the game were once again regarding his flirtations with Real Madrid. He believed his own hype.

The Portugese winker has his head so far up his own arse at times you have to wonder if in his spare time he is a contortionist. Contrast this with players such as Messi and Kaka, who although arguably more talented keep themselves out the limelight and will always make sure that it is the team who come first. In the Chelsea vs Barca Semi Final, Messi was at the end of GBH from pretty much the whole defence but not once did he moan, he simply got on with his job and played his football. Would the greasy one act in such a professional manner? I doubt it.

Ronaldo's diving antics sure won't be missed when he hits La Liga and over the last couple of seasons I am sure I am not the only person who has been sick of the sight of him rolling around on the floor at the mere hint of an oppostion player breathing on him, let alone tackling him.

Now before Real again spent £56million on Kaka, Zinedine Zidane was the most expensive footballer of all time, and not one person could deny that this man was worth the £40 odd million that was spent on him. Many people say he is just behind Pele and Maradona as the greatest footballer ever to grace the game. The touch was exquisitie, the vision was telescopic, his awareness would put Peter Parker’s Spider Senses to shame, his footballing brain was so quick he knew which pass he would play days before he played them. He was also arrogant, but in a good way, the silent assassin type of arrogance, where you knew if you crossed him, he would make you pay for it, either by scoring or creating a goal, or as Matteratzi found out, giving you a whack. He knew he was good, and he made others around him also look good. Ronaldo didn’t do this. He couldn’t use all his attributes to make other players look good, and that is what I and many others think makes the best of the best the best, and that is why Zinedine Zidane makes a mockery of Ronaldos £80 million pound price tag. Ask yourself this one simple question, is Ronaldo really worth two Zidanes?

VK